“God, grant me serenity”…Words I have so often spoke over and over again until I was choking on my tears and shaking uncontrollably. Fiercely, I continued to speak these words until suddenly, the serenity came. Usually sleep immediately followed. *You can use this no matter who your higher power is, even if it is a jar of Claussen pickles! LOL* Just recently this occurred as I am dealing with a lot in my personal life right now that is….incredibly stressful to say the least. After feeling this intense anxiety, frustration, and borderline fear of not being in control of every circumstance in life I came to a wonderful realization that has brought me the most serenity I have ever felt in my life.
As human beings, we desire control. Control over our lives, control over situations, and sadly, even control over other people. It is in our nature, thus it is hard to change…but it is possible. Especially if you have been through a traumatic life event such as a rape like I have, you will struggle very hard with this concept of accepting there are things you will never have any control over. Things like rape are never truly about sex, it is about control, and for the survivor, it is all about losing control. My addiction to self-harm as well as controlling what food was “alllowed” into my body to the point where I was too thin and very sick was mainly about control. Many people who suffer from an eating disorder or self-harm addiction do it because they are desperately trying to gain some control over their life and body. Please know that I understand how hard this is, but it can be done!
So, I’ve been in the Narcotics Anonymous program since 2007 and you’d think that I have this whole control thing down right? Nah, I don’t! I am still working on it every day, but the great thing is, I am getting so much better at it and finding it a lot easier to “let go and let God(s)”. (Again, sub in your personal higher power). I have found the key to feeling serenity any time I start to get overwhelmed and feel a full blown PTSD panic-attack coming on I remind myself that it is a damn good thing that I can’t control everything and make everything go the way I think I want it to go.
Now, you’re probably thinking, “What the Hell did she just say? Why would you be happy to not have things go your way?” My answer to that is so simple it’s hilarious that I couldn’t see it my whole life. I am a human being…meaning, I know absolutely shit about the universe and the best way things should go to ultimately bring a wonderful outcome. I have puny human knowledge and wisdom, so why the Hell would I know what is best for me and my life in the long term down to every little decision in my life. I don’t. There is someone who does though! My higher power does, and whether yours is Jesus Christ, Buddha, Astarte, Thor, (the list goes on) take solace in the fact that the Higher Power knows all. Your Higher Power knows all and therefore, they know exactly what needs to happen and when and where to get you to where you will be most happy, healthy and complete. Our Higher Power loves us and wants us to have wonderful lives, so we can relax and have serenity knowing that they are a millions steps ahead of us and is holding every aspect of our lives in their hands.
Things don’t go my way all the time. Actually, a lot of the time things don’t go exactly how I had planned, but now I feel great peace knowing that it’s because it would have led me down a road I don’t want to go. Instead something much much better is coming for me. I hope that this brings you as much peace as it does me.