It’s almost my son’s second birthday and I feel that this is a great time to write about him and what he does for me. Before I got pregnant with my son I was a very different person. I was deeply depressed, anxious and I hated a lot of things about myself, but couldn’t find the strength to change. I allowed my life circumstances to control me and get me very far down. I was still drinking a lot and had relapsed with drugs again. I knew I was relapsing, I just felt like I didn’t have anything worth living for, so why was it so bad to continue my addict ways? I didn’t have much family.
I loved the man I was with very much, but unfortunately, he was suffering very deeply inside just as I was, so we were keeping each other in a very dark and unhealthy place. In November of 2010 I found out I was pregnant with his baby. At first I was really scared and worried that his Dad would leave. I have been abandoned all my life, so that was my first reaction to everything back then. I had been pregnant once before when I had been married to a very abusive, cold man and I lost the baby very early on. The loss of my baby was very hard to deal with for a long time, so this was yet another reason why I feared being pregnant. I couldn’t take losing this baby. I quit drinking and smoking immediately and cold turkey, and I had quit drugs months before.
The more I thought about this little life growing inside of me the more I realized I loved this little baby more than anything. I told my boyfriend the news. He did not take it well at first, and for several months he struggled with the idea of me keeping the baby. I finally told him, there is no choice for me, this baby was placed in my life and I am not doing anything to change that. He attended natural birthing classes with me and suddenly our relationship became deeper, stronger and a bit more healthy. We both were finally on the same page and were anxiously awaiting our sweet little boy to be born. Even before I birthed him, my son brought me peace and hope, two concepts that I had once given up on and once he was born he only did more for me.
I tell everyone now, “if you don’t have kids and you claim you know exactly what deep unconditional love is…you’re probably wrong.” I seriously mean this. When Sasha was born, I learned exactly what love was and felt like. I realized, this little baby in my arms…I would die for him, I would kill for him, I would do everything in my power to protect, love and nurture him and make sure that every day of his life is incredible. Everything I do in life is for him, including make myself a better, happier and healthier person. My baby deserves it, and so do I. He is the most wonderful person I have ever been blessed to meet or even know of.
Now I live everyday wanting to do nothing but be the best Mom I can possibly be, the best me I can be, and make a very happy, exciting and healthy life for us. I wanted to write this, not just in honor of my little love, but to tell others something very important. If you are at a place in your life where you just can’t justify holding on for yourself, find someone else to live for until you can. But do not let this be your reality forever. This is meant to be temporary…until you CAN live for you. Basing your happiness off of another person is not only dangerous, it puts immense, unfair stress on that person. Work to love and respect yourself…and live for you!
I keep seeing this quote, “I gave him life, and he gave me a reason to live”. That is exactly what Sasha and I have done for each other. If it weren’t for him, I may have given up and would have been dead three years ago. Thank the Gods for my little boy and every day that I get to be his Mommy. I can’t wait to live every day, experiencing life with him. Hold tight to your babies and love them sweetly!