Tag Archives: peace

Take the dark road

Many times in each of our lives we come to a fork in the road. We are usually faced with many options, or paths. Some are easy and appear sunny while others, even from a distance look terrifying and difficult to say the least. When you get to this place stop. Just…stop. At this point you need to realize something very important that will help you heal, grow and make your life what you want it to be. Don’t take the easy road. Everything about that path will lie to you, seduce you, comfort you. That easy road will look so enticing, but it will do you no good.

I strongly believe in Carl Jung’s works. He was absolutely brilliant. Currently I am reading a book on his work and I came across a section that spoke to me more deeply than what preceded it. It gave me chills. “When we must deal with problems, we instinctively resist trying the way that leads through obscurity and darkness. We wish to hear only of unequivocal results, and completely forget that these results can only be brought about when we have ventured into and emerged again from the darkness.” ~Carl Jung.

Seriously…brilliant. Brilliant and true. I can attest to this personally. I have lost count of how many times in my past I tried to take the easy route and ended up in a situation far more horrible than the last. I hadn’t learned anything, I hadn’t grown, I hadn’t healed…in fact I had regressed, I had my scars ripped open and deepened. The bleeding began and it was at times, more than I could bear. I reached out to a few friends and to my therapist. Even more so…I looked inside. I was afraid of the most difficult path. The path that went straight into my mind, soul and very being. I was terrified of the darkness and tournament deep within me. There were so many things about me, my thoughts and my memories that left me paralyzed in fear.

I realized that introspection into my own personal abyss that was the network of my mind was the path that would set me free. This was when my true “burnings” as a Phoenix began. I plunged into the blackness, blind at first. I hit rock bottom and everything was silent. I felt disoriented, I felt the scary floating feeling of dissociation take over my body. Derealization and depersonalization attempted to take over, however, I managed to stay somewhat in control. I remained there for a while and began to pay attention to the darkness. Suddenly visions came, voices bombarded me, smells and even tastes came. I saw myself as a small child…alone, afraid, abused. I saw and heard the maltreatment, the process of my early abusers welding onto me the traits and ideals they wanted me to believe were me and my own. I realized that how I acted now and what I believed now wasn’t me at all. I wasn’t a scared, depressed, no-self esteem girl desperate to never be alone. Those were characteristics others had infused in my early personality to keep me weak…to keep me a victim, alone and afraid.

I came to realize the ugly truths about my personality that I had been running from. 1.) I believed my self worth was nothing. 2.) I believed that I deserved to be hurt, abused and isolated. 3.) I was terrified of abandonment.

It was hard to seek these truths out…the journey was dark and painful, but once I arrived I erupted in flames of strength, knowledge and hope. I began my ascent from the abyss and as I continued to rise I peeled the personality flaws, the lies, the untrue characteristics that were hiding who I was from my being. I ripped and scratched and fought. I burned and it was glorious…each burning was painful, yet beautiful.

I have been going through these burning processes for a few years now, but now I have completely risen from the ashes and I now work towards the skies. I don’t see limits anymore. I don’t see a scared, insecure, ugly, broken girl anymore. I see a confident, beautiful young woman with dreams, passions, strengths…I see the bubbly, positive, incredibly happy soul I truly am. You can be who you are too. You don’t have to hide anymore love. You don’t. Your past wasn’t your fault. You were a victim…but now it is time to shed that victim skin, plunge into the darkness and begin your own process of burning off what should not be there. The darkness can be scary, but only if you allow yourself to become lost. Continue working towards the light…when you’re lost look for lanterns. These can be helpful friends, family or therapists who truly understand and love you…they can be friendly spirits, they can be the Divine. They can be alters (other personalities…like I have). Rise Phoenix….rise to your rightful place in this universe.

“In order to rise from its own ashes, a phoenix first must burn.” ~Octavia E. Butler.

Affirmation Cards

In a few of my previous posts I’ve talked briefly about affirmation card and the many benefits. I’m really happy that I started making and using them a few years ago after a friend of mine suggested them. They were key in me healing and becoming able to say I love and respect myself. Affirmation cards can be about anything negative in your life that you are trying to change into a positive. They can be for addiction, depression, anxiety, anger, eating disorders and so much more. You can tailor them to tie into your spiritual or religious beliefs or leave that out if you are not spiritual/religious. 

One thing I tell everyone is, give them time and use them once a day while looking at yourself in a mirror. It can be scary at first, embarrassing or a little painful. I remember when I first started them I wanted to throw up saying such nice things about myself, but after a week I started to look forward to doing it. Now I completely believe the ones I have worked on. “I am beautiful”, “I don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy”, and “I deserve happiness” are three of the cards I have used, and still use the most. 

I decided to start making affirmation cards and dress them up with flower embellishments and brads. I have an Etsy shop and try to tailor the art I sell from my shop towards healing and recovery. I finally have some up! If you’d like to take a look you can find my shop here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/ValkyrieAesthetics

Have you ever used affirmation cards? If so, what are some of your favorites? If not, would you like to try them? Thank you for reading!!!!

Grant me serenity.

“God, grant me serenity”…Words I have so often spoke over and over again until I was choking on my tears and shaking uncontrollably. Fiercely, I continued to speak these words until suddenly, the serenity came. Usually sleep immediately followed. *You can use this no matter who your higher power is, even if it is a jar of Claussen pickles! LOL* Just recently this occurred as I am dealing with a lot in my personal life right now that is….incredibly stressful to say the least. After feeling this intense anxiety, frustration, and borderline fear of not being in control of every circumstance in life I came to a wonderful realization that has brought me the most serenity I have ever felt in my life.

As human beings, we desire control. Control over our lives, control over situations, and sadly, even control over other people. It is in our nature, thus it is hard to change…but it is possible. Especially if you have been through a traumatic life event such as a rape like I have, you will struggle very hard with this concept of accepting there are things you will never have any control over. Things like rape are never truly about sex, it is about control, and for the survivor, it is all about losing control. My addiction to self-harm as well as controlling what food was “alllowed” into my body to the point where I was too thin and very sick was mainly about control. Many people who suffer from an eating disorder or self-harm addiction do it because they are desperately trying to gain some control over their life and body. Please know that I understand how hard this is, but it can be done!

So, I’ve been in the Narcotics Anonymous program since 2007 and you’d think that I have this whole control thing down right? Nah, I don’t! I am still working on it every day, but the great thing is, I am getting so much better at it and finding it a lot easier to “let go and let God(s)”. (Again, sub in your personal higher power). I have found the key to feeling serenity any time I start to get overwhelmed and feel a full blown PTSD panic-attack coming on I remind myself that it is a damn good thing that I can’t control everything and make everything go the way I think I want it to go.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “What the Hell did she just say? Why would you be happy to not have things go your way?” My answer to that is so simple it’s hilarious that I couldn’t see it my whole life. I am a human being…meaning, I know absolutely shit about the universe and the best way things should go to ultimately bring a wonderful outcome. I have puny human knowledge and wisdom, so why the Hell would I know what is best for me and my life in the long term down to every little decision in my life. I don’t. There is someone who does though! My higher power does, and whether yours is Jesus Christ, Buddha, Astarte, Thor, (the list goes on) take solace in the fact that the Higher Power knows all. Your Higher Power knows all and therefore, they know exactly what needs to happen and when and where to get you to where you will be most happy, healthy and complete. Our Higher Power loves us and wants us to have wonderful lives, so we can relax and have serenity knowing that they are a millions steps ahead of us and is holding every aspect of our lives in their hands.

Things don’t go my way all the time. Actually, a lot of the time things don’t go exactly how I had planned, but now I feel great peace knowing that it’s because it would have led me down a road I don’t want to go. Instead something much much better is coming for me. I hope that this brings you as much peace as it does me.