Tag Archives: relationships

You deserve prince charming and he does exist.

Hello everyone! I’m very sorry that so much time has elapsed since my last post! Today I wanted to write about relationships. Specifically, why every woman deserves a prince (or princess) charming. First off. Yes, he exists. Or if in your case you are looking for a woman, she exists too. For this post I am only going to touch on males simply because for a very long time I believed good men (and therefore prince charming) didn’t exist or was already taken. I also believed that if I did come across a good man who was single, I did not deserve him.

This is one of the many lies our brains tells us when we have survived trauma. We have had these untrue notions beaten into our very brain wiring so hard that realizing a simple truth is very hard. For most of my life I believed that I didn’t deserve a good partner. I only amounted to someone who beat me, tortured me and belittled me. I believed that if a good man presented interest in me I was to save him from me and push him away. During my extremely traumatic marriage to a bad man I befriended another man. I met him through another friend of mine while I was visiting her in the hospital. He was immediately warm, friendly and quite funny. What really caught my eye was how respectful he was. Not too much longer after we met I learned another side of this man. He was protective. He was protective, not possessive and he knew the difference. He could see the abuse I was barely surviving and he helped me. During the darkest times of my life he brought light and hope that I could rise from the darkness. He knew of my mental illness, my addictions and my suffering. Instead of fearing me, he worked to understand me.

A few years passed. We spent less time together as my life changed and I had a child. Then we became close again. Next I realized I had fallen in love with him and that he had with me. It was liberating, beautiful, spiritual, celestial…but it was also terrifying. He was a good man. Understanding, loving, respectful, protective and encouraging. He worked every day to show me the strength and beauty of my soul, mind and body…but I wasn’t ready to believe him. I still very much hated myself and believed the lies I had been fed my whole life. At one point we found ourselves very close, sharing embarrassed, kisses, deep conversations and love….but my fear of not being good enough for him, or breaking if I lost him turned me away. I made excuses, I pushed him away…I hurt him deeply. To this day my heart aches that my fear touched his life at that point in such a negative way.

Just shy of two years passed and I had cut him entirely out of my life. I thought about him almost every day. And at night the pain would become unbearable at times. I wanted to forget about him and to stop loving him but I was incapable of such actions. Finally, I came to the realization that the man I believed God had made for me was him…and that I had thrown him away. I broke down, I cried and screamed. I journaled and talked in therapy. I went to God and I begged for further enlightenment and growth. I grew and learned and grew more. After nearly two years, learning to love and respect myself and realizing that my happiness didn’t have to be based off of someone else I gathered the courage to contact him.

I was terrified, actually when we were on the phone my pulse was about 210 beats per minute. It was a scary situation, but it felt right. All he said at first was: “You talk and I’ll listen”. We talked for a long time. We both cried, we laughed…pretty soon many more conversations were had and now…we are together. I finally see the things about myself that he saw years ago and I finally can say I love myself. Now…I know I deserve a good man, my very own prince charming. Yes, I do not need someone else to complete me, but having him in my life I feel as if everything in my universe is as it should be. I can say I have never been happier, healthier or stronger. He builds me up as I build him, we build ourselves individually as well as a couple. I love him and he loves me. We deserve each other and I promise you, you deserve your very own prince charming.

One of the greatest things about my man is that he is patient and understanding of my illnesses and healing journey. When he doesn’t understand, he asks and strives to learn. He is gentle and kind. Just last night I accidentally dropped a dish and it shattered on the floor. I felt the muscles in my body tense immediately, ready for punishment. This wasn’t because I thought he would hurt me, but because the way my mind has been wired to react when I have made a mistake. I had grown very accustomed to verbal and physical abuse as a punishment…even for something as innocent as breaking a dish. Immediately he said: “it’s okay, it was an accident. Let me help you clean it up!” he even asked me to let him do it so I wouldn’t accidentally cut myself on the shards. We cleaned up the mess in a few minutes and he softly reminded me that everything was okay. This, my friends, is how you deserve to be treated. So you broke a dish or forgot an appointment, or to pay a bill. It was an accident and you do not deserve to be met with anger, hostility or abuse of any kind.

You have every right to stop accepting unhealthy and abusive relationships. Don’t listen to the poison abusers have put into your mind. Try to get to the bottom of why you accept bad relationships and then rewire your brain. It’s  often a long and difficult process, but it is very possible! The day I began to know true happiness was the day I started loving myself and believing the truth…not the past. Now that I have gotten there, I am ready for a healthy, happy and supportive love. I know you will be too. It takes time. Don’t give up!

I am valuable and you are too!

Ever since I took a sensual/sexual interest in other people (I’m pansexual, I don’t pay attention to gender) I had a terrible habit of getting into a relationship and as soon as it ended, get into a new one. Many people said extremely hurtful things to me and about me. The most common was “what a slut”. It’s funny…most of these relationships never entailed sex. I did this until my son’s father and I split up. I knew it was a problem, but I literally could not stop myself. After my daughter’s father made it clear that our relationship was fake when we found out I was pregnant I realized that I could no longer run from this problem. Facing it was one of the scariest and most anxiety-provoking issues I’ve faced yet.

 

I thought, I bounced my feelings off of two very close friends of mine, prayed, thought some more, journaled, cried, had panic attacks, got angry and broke down within the walls of my therapist’s office. I finally came to the realization that this “relationship addiction” boiled down to three deep seated issues.

 

1.) I had a deep intense fear of abandonment. Growing up I didn’t have two parents who loved and cared for me, I had no stability and my needs were rarely met. I learned growing up that if you wanted a sliver of chance that someone would stay in my life and care for me is to give them everything they ask for. I was terrified to be alone.

 

2.) My self worth was non-existent. I was taught growing up that I was a complete waste of time, space and effort. I did not deserve love, affection, care…I did not deserve anything but to be ignored, beaten, abused and put down. I was supposed to serve without any hope of reciprocation. Because of this I based my happiness off of my current partner.

 

3.) I only deserved abusive, narcissistic assholes. This one plays off of number two. Because I believed all I deserved was shit, all I got was shit.

 

One thing that I want to point out, because I know for a fact I am not the only person that has had this problem. You should never in any circumstance base your happiness and wellbeing off of another person. Even if that person treats you well, loves and cares for you…this is deadly. If that person gets sick, passes away, begins to fall into depression, addiction, etc…you are in huge trouble. To make matters worse, you will always have to live with the inner dialogue that is often demeaning and dangerous. Please…whatever you do, stop living for other people. This is okay in the very very beginning (in my opinion) if you are suicidal. If you need, for a VERY short time, someone else to stay on this earth for, then okay. Once you are out of crisis mode you gotta stop that. I know it is extremely hard and paralyzingly scary, but I am living proof that it is possible. Once you start living for you, loving you, respecting you every aspect of your life will improve drastically.

 

Fear of abandonment. Yes, this is another very difficult hurdle, but overcoming it is possible. One of my beliefs is that if you want something bad enough and you don’t give up when things get hard, you will get there. Perseverance and a positive attitude will get you anywhere.When you start working on loving and respecting yourself you will start weeding toxic people out of your life and surrounding yourself with people who put positivity back into your life. You also begin to realize that even out of a relationship you are special and strong. You no longer require another person to hold you together. A really great way one of my dear friends described it was: “Basing your happiness and self worth on another is a huge burden to bear”. Even if you don’t mean it that way, my friend is completely correct. It is a massive burden to be someone’s only source of happiness. I have personally seen people fall apart over the burden and I have personally broken down due to the same burden a loved one placed on me.

 

Changing how I felt about myself was the key to fixing these issues. My dear friend suggested that I write up affirmation cards. At first I put it off, scared at the idea. Looking at myself in the mirror used to make me physically ill. After a while I listened to her and I will forever be grateful. I wrote on little notecards things like: “I deserve happiness” and “I don’t need a partner to be happy and whole” and “I am beautiful”. I ended up making upwards of twenty. I forced myself to go into the bathroom and receipt each card OUT LOUD while looking at my reflection. It truly was painful at first. I felt embarrassed, like I didn’t deserve to be saying such good things about myself. Pretty soon though, everything changed. I started believing every word that I spoke and I still do. Remember when your abusers told you horrible things about you? They pounded them into your head every single chance they got? You started believing it because it was all you were hearing. It works the same way with positive change. Flood your mind with positivity, happiness and THE TRUTH. You are beautiful, worthy, strong and capable. You are of sound mind and deserve the best! Don’t settle for jerks, don’t settle for broken and tore down. Seek out your value and don’t let anyone take it from you again.

 

My best relationship advice I can give anyone is take time to heal and “analyze” a failed relationship. Don’t obsess about it, but analyze the red flags you ignored (or didn’t see), the needs and wants you weren’t getting met, the things you could have done differently. Time is your friend. TIme will not only help you heal, but it will help you see things clearer and better yourself for next time. Make a list of what you need and want in a relationship and the things you consider a deal breaker. Once you have some time being by yourself (and focusing on loving and building yourself up) very slowly ease into dating. Do not get physical with them, don’t make promises, don’t get too close too fast. Rushing into anything is almost always not a good thing. I can’t tell you how many times I was blinded by “love adrenaline” and thought I knew the person. Yeah, I thought I knew them and the next thing I knew I was being abused and thrown out like trash. I have also learned that taking your time can make things that much more enjoyable and exciting.

 

One more thing I want to share, that will hopefully very clearly demonstrate how I have changed concerning relationships. In the past when (especially a man) would approach me about being physical with them I would shut down. Now? I make sure that person knows exactly how I feel about their stupid and arrogant idea. I don’t let people even talk to me that way anymore. I deserve respect and if you can’t give that to me, you get the Hell out of my life. Just because a man or woman says they want you, doesn’t mean they want you. They may just want to use you. Not always, but a lot of the time. If you don’t take the time to get to know each other…love each other, it will just be using. You deserve good things, don’t settle for crap.

 

 

 

New and improved Journey out of the abyss Facebook page.

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to drop in and let everyone know that I have opened a new and improved Facebook page for Journey out of the abyss. Feel free to like, comment, email, post away!! I would love to start a support network! The link is: https://www.facebook.com/JourneyOutOfTheAbyss

Take care til next time my friends!

~Dandi

Stopping the unhealthy relationship cycle: A four step guide to creating and keeping healthy relationships.

 I know I’m not the only one out there. I know I’m not the only one who hates being alone, loves being in love with someone, and getting love back. I also know I’m not the only one who had a habit of getting into relationships with people who “couldn’t” give me true love back. Since High School I have been hearing my Mother warn me, “Ashley, you really should try to be out of a relationship for a while. Heal from the last one, learn the lessons it taught you, and then get comfortable with being with…yourself.” Well, I always knew she was right, but because of my deep fear of abandonment that was seared into me as a little girl, I have for a long time, found it very hard to follow through with her advice.

 

Over the past year I have done a lot of learning about relationships and how to break the cycle I have been in since High School. There is so much to learn about something that you think would come natural that really doesn’t. Especially when growing up you were given only negative examples of relationships to learn from. It’s very hard to understand that you should marry someone you love unconditionally and truly loves you back and who will never lay hands on you to cause you harm when you grew up seeing your Father beat down on your Mother daily either verbally, emotionally, physically….etc. Yes, it wasn’t your fault and it never will be your fault that this is what you had to deal with as a child and are seriously lacking in knowledge of this area of life. What will be your fault is if you don’t take control of your life and start learning what a healthy relationship looks like, and then make it happen for yourself. You owe it to yourself no matter if you come from a very healthy, happy and stable family, or a torn-apart, horrifying and severely dysfunctional one. No one is going to give it to you…so make sure you take care of your heart and do this for yourself! So far, I have devised a process for myself in changing the romantic relationships in my life and it is comprised of four main steps.

 

The first step is spending time with yourself and yourself alone. Learn every little thing you can about yourself. What makes you happy, what makes you sad, what sets you off, things you love to do and things you can’t stand to do. You know, it took me until this year to realize that I love painting. It also took me until this year to realize that I can’t stand being a doormat. (And I am so done with that). The first thing this whole making and keeping true and healthy relationships boils down to knowing who you are, and being completely happy with yourself especially when no one else is around. It is also important to know that if you don’t love and respect yourself, it makes it hard for others to love and respect you. Once you start making progress you will realize how amazing it is when you feel good about yourself enough to actually be happy about being single. It is quite liberating!

 

The second part is making a list of characteristics of the former lovers, husbands/wives, boyfriends/girlfriends you have had in the past good and bad. After you have written down everything about those individuals that you loved and you couldn’t stand, do some deep soul searching (and don’t do it for a night and claim that you have it all figured out…I am very guilty of this) take your time and realize what qualities you want and NEED in a significant other. Write all of these things down. Take a look at the list of qualities you have had in a significant other in the past and compare it to what you really and truly want and need. I’m sure the majority of you can say that there is a huge huge problem here. The list of characteristics I wrote down for my past relationships were nothing like what I know I want and need in someone. It made me shake my head and say, “Now it’s time to figure out why I settled for someone who couldn’t meet my needs…for someone who only was toxic for me”.

 

The third part is making a game plan for how you are going to change this nasty cycle you’ve gotten yourself into. Mine looks a little like this:

  • Stop looking to date someone right off the bat because I am lonely and want someone to love. Make friends, real, true friends and spend lots of time getting to know them. Know someone as a friend for a while before considering something romantic. It is safe and healthy to know someone deeply (and know others who know them very well) before ever dating them.

  • Start learning everything I can about healthy relationships. How to start them, how to keep them, and what to do when things are not as good as you want them to be.

  • Continue to learn and practice great communication skills. (How can someone satisfy me in a relationship if I am too afraid to share with them what makes me happy…and more importantly, what hurts me and scares me)?

  • Spend time everyday reminding myself that I am a good person, a wonderful and loving Mother and I can be single and very happy single. Also, that I do deserve a true, unconditional, strong and healthy love and that it will come in time.

  • My happiness never depends on the happiness of someone I am in a relationship with. I am strong and independent and I don’t have to fall apart every time the person I am with falls apart or is negative towards me or others.

  • If something ever feels wrong, speak up immediately. Don’t compromise yourself.

  • If you start seeing red flags…don’t you dare ignore them! Do something about it.

(This is a taste of my very long and complicated action plan). Hopefully, this gives you some insight on what you can incorporate in your own plan).

 

Now, for the fourth step (and this isn’t set in stone, and we don’t all operate the same way and God knows I may add more for myself later), put your action plan into effect and never stop it. Type it up or write it really neatly and post it somewhere where you will see it every day. If you are anything like me, it will help you to see it very often. Don’t be afraid to add things to it, or modify it, so long as it is helping you stick to the plan of being good to yourself and being only in healthy and happy relationships. Remember, you deserve this! You were not put here to suffer and live out your days alone. You were created to thrive, be fulfilled and fulfill others. Take care of yourself, especially your heart…as in the words of my precious Mother, “be gentle with yourself”.

 

I love you all, talk with you next week! And please, if there is anything you would like to discuss or have me write about, feel free to write me, pm me, add me on Facebook.